Spirit of the Season: a Daily Jesus in Worcester

Diane Williamson of the Worcester Telegram and Gazette has written a funny and insightful column today. In it, she reports a Daily Jesus right here in town. She gets why it showed up, too.

Jesus sighting interrupts my musings

When I returned Lisa's call yesterday, she requested that a photographer come to her house to take pictures of the Jesus image that appeared on the grocery receipt that got scorched by the steamed carrots.

While I assure you I'm not making any of that up, I also confess that I was only half listening to Lisa because yesterday was Cyber Monday, a retail-driven "event" that encourages American workers to shop online for holiday bargains, when what they should be doing is listening politely to people who are absolutely convinced that religious figures show up unannounced beneath their microwave vegetables...

And then there's Lisa. A 46-year-old Worcester woman, Lisa (she said I could use her entire name but I won't, as I plan to make fun of her) told me yesterday that she was steaming carrots in the microwave to make a beef stew, and she set the hot plate of carrots on top of her grocery receipt. Suddenly, she said, "with no warning," the profile of Christ showed up on the supermarket receipt, where apparently some of our top religious icons are appearing when they're not popping up on blueberry muffins and oil slicks.

"I wasn't even thinking about anything religious when it happened," Lisa noted. "It was very unexpected." She added, "You have to have good depth perception to see it."

I'll bet. I asked Lisa if she was sure that the image was that of Jesus, and she said she was, except that "his eyes look a little angry." And she said she had no idea why he would choose to appear beneath the steamed carrots.

"Maybe it's meant for people who don't believe," Lisa said. "I'll bring it down to you right now if you want."

Er, no thanks. I suddenly had too much shopping to do. But I'm guessing we'll see more apparitions as Americans grow more desperate and long for a happier, simpler time...

Williamson is probably correct. Now that the economy is in the tank, people are losing their homes and their jobs and their life savings and we seem to be in for a period of wrenching change, Jesus and Mary and others will be dancing atop muffins and peering from the windows all over the world. It's inevitable; it comes with the trauma in a culture that clings to myths of being saved by supernatural devices.

I mentioned in a previous entry that Jesus seems to show up frequently in unhealthy foods. Maybe I'm looking at that the wrong way; many such foods are precisely comfort foods. Such a connection probably isn't just coincidence.

Sphere: Related Content

Christ Tells Texas Man to Punish Other Drivers

Jesus apparently whispered into the ear of a man in San Antonio, Texas that another driver wasn't driving in a Christian enough manner. It was up to that man, 52 year old Michael Schwab, to carry out divine retribution... using his pick-up truck as an instrument of divine retribution at 100 mph.

'God said she needed to be taken off road'

...The bizarre incident that shut down southbound U.S. 281 above the Medina River happened about 7:25 a.m.

"He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road," said Lt. Kyle Coleman of the Bexar County Sheriff's Office.

The driver of the pickup was identified in a Sheriff's Office news release as Michael E. Schwab, 52, of Blooming Grove.

Schwab told first responders at the scene that "the other vehicle was not driving like a Christian and it was Jesus' will for him to punish the car," according to the release.

The 35-year-old woman was driving her sedan north when the pickup struck her vehicle. Schwab told deputies he was driving faster than 100 mph at the time, Coleman said...

The pickup driver did not specify for authorities how the woman was driving poorly. Investigators determined the female driver "had done nothing wrong," according to the release.

It is expected that Schwab will undergo psychological examination to determine whether he is mentally ill for thinking that invisible divinities are telling him what to do. There's no word yet on whether the other several billion people who believe the same thing will face similar investigations.

Sphere: Related Content

Another High Cholesterol Daily Jesus

The King of the Jews hates health food. Why else would he only manifest in high fat, high cholesterol food? This time around, it's the drippings from a melted chocolate cookie in Melton Mowbray, Leicester, UK:

Jesus' face in chocolate cookie

By Ben Truslove

...Lois Preira, of Ullswater Road, was enjoying a cookie and a cup of tea when she noticed a face in the melted chocolate on the plate.

She said: "I was enjoying the cookie and when I picked it up I saw a face. When I looked at, I immediately thought that's definitely the face of Jesus. It looked just like the Turin Shroud. I felt I had to keep the plate because nobody would believe me otherwise..."

I've seen the picture and I still don't believe Preira. Her "just like the Shroud of Turin" bit of melted chocolate looks a good deal more like a random lump of nothing than it does like a human face, let alone that of a mythical figure.

I wonder if there's a connection between sightings of Jesus and poor diet. Every time Christ shows up in food, it's bad food. Grilled cheese, french toast, cookies, Cheetos... it's never anything healthy. Jesus doesn't pop up in a salad, manifest in tofu or make himself known in a steamed vegetable plate. No, it's some kind of junk food.

Makes ya think. Are those with hardened arteries perhaps more likely to believe in this sort of thing? Reduced oxygen supply to the brain can produce some odd effects.

Sphere: Related Content

Christ Meets Mrs. Butterworth; Hilarity Ensues

OK, I don't have much more than the title on this Daily Jesus, but the King of the Jews has popped up on somebody's plate again. This time, it's french toast in Pompano Beach, Florida.

South Florida Man Finds Jesus in his Toast
Troy Eckonen was eating breakfast at Mack's Cafe in Pompano Beach last Tuesday when he spotted Jesus' face on his last piece of French toast... he and friends also see Christ's left arm raised and holding a cross, as well as two birds over the left shoulder.

Note that Jesus has now shown up on french toast. This is clearly a divine endorsement of the French socialist welfare state. Still, one wonders whether it's proper etiquette to smear the son o'God with butter, drench him in syrup and take a bite. Mmmmm, transubstantiation.

Notice that Jesus never shows up in healthy food. It's always something high in fat. Cleanliness stops being next to godliness when it comes to arterial walls.

Sphere: Related Content

For Daily Jesus on Your Cell Phone Text 5378

Jesus has popped up again in Florida, this time as a blurry photo on the cell phone of a Pensacola woman, Linda Square, who volunteers at a laundromat (?) Reported in the Pensacola NewsJournal, this one seems to have all the usual elements of a Daily Jesus sighting. You can click on the link for the story, but here's video of Square telling the story in her own words and some commentary from a friend of hers.

I'm not sure why she had to ask if the photo was a text message. They're generally easy enough to tell apart... aren't they?

Looking carefully at the photo printed with the article, though, it's easy to see what happened here. What we've got is a shot of the side of a woman's head against a window while silhouetted by the headlights of a car traveling toward her. The reflections of her head and the headlight are not in proportion, of course, but if you look carefully at the illuminated part of the image you can see a straight line in the left side of the glow that may be a curb to the right of the car. The part of the image that Square thinks is Jesus is actually the back of her cell phone as she holds it to her ear and accidentally clicks to shutter button, thus producing the image. In the image below, I've highlighted the outline of the cell phone in red and included an arrow pointing to the curb line that runs through the "halo."


The "face" in the image is the product of JPG artifacts that always occur in under-illuminated images taken with digital cameras and become chunkier when the camera's resolution is particularly low.

While I find it amusing that Square is selling t-shirts featuring the phrase "Jesus & Me" (grammar police take note), I don't think she's intentionally fabricating her story. My impression is that she really believes that she's snapped a photo of Jesus hovering by her ear. From the video, we also get the story from her friend that she's been "going through some things." What those are isn't specified, but it's in keeping with the general trend for these apparitions to appear to people who have some ongoing or recent emotional distress. From her interview, I think it's fair to see that Square is likely to be someone who regularly undergoes financial hardship. As she states in her interview, though, she believes that "Jesus loves everybody" but his appearance on her cell phone indicates to her that she is of special interest to him. There's ego asserting itself; call it a hunch, but I'd bet that Square hasn't felt special to anyone in a long time, if ever.

I have to admit that this Daily Jesus wasn't undertaken lightly. After watching the video, I came away with the feeling that the person who is feeling "special" now hasn't had it easy. She's lived in Pensacola all her life and from her employment situation and use of language probably isn't well-educated. There's a great deal of disadvantage at work; it's too bad that someone would need to believe that a mythological being was hovering around her head in order to feel that they meant something. Blurry, ambiguous photos aside, though, we each have to create the meaning in our lives for ourselves. Believing that one's own significance must be assigned by someone else, particularly when that someone else is some supernatural entity, is part of why there are so many sad people in the world — like Linda Square — to begin with.

Sphere: Related Content

Porterville, California: Hotbed of Divine Manifestation

Today's Daily Jesus is a double-header of divine apparitions that comes to us from the city of Porterville, a community of about 55,000 people in Southern California's Tulare County. It all started with an angel that appeared in the window of a Color Tile store at night. When the owner of the Xpress Gas and Mini Mart across the street turned off his lights to demonstrate to the traffic-blocking crowd of several hundred that gathered that the "angel" was just a reflection, they did the only thing they could. They saw Jesus hanging in a palm tree.

People seeing new image — Jesus on the cross
By ESTHER AVILA

An image of what appeared to look like an angel on the window of a local store is gone but a sea of people longing to catch a glimpse of the heavenly creature flocked to the site tonight hoping to see not only the angel but also something new — an image of Jesus Christ hanging on the cross on a nearby palm tree.

"I went looking for the angel and it was gone," Robert Sanchez said today. "Then someone said Christ was there and I looked up and I saw him. Christ was on the cross, arms out, head down, his beard, his eyes — down to the last detail. You can see his ribs and his stance with his knees up and arms hanging to the side. I was thrilled. To have two sightings in the same place — it confirms that the image on the window was not fake..."

It's hard to argue that the reasoning of Robert Sanchez could possibly be invalid. If I tell you that I own a Lamborghini and that I keep the Hope Diamond in the glove box, clearly it must be true. I couldn't be lying twice in a row.

Crowds of people could be seen on both sides of Olive Avenue. Some people parked east of the highway and walked to the 1000 block of West Olive Avenue...

The Rev. Steve Benton, pastor from Hope Restoration Ministries in Poplar, placed a cross at the base of the palm tree.

"My wife and I were here to share our faith with the people who are drawn to this image in the window," Benton said. "I have been out here for two nights and never saw it myself but these people are looking for something to fill the vacuum in their lives. That is why I put up the cross, because it is an image that is really clear. People are looking for something. People are looking for hope..."

Great, people are looking for hope and you give them an Iron Age torture implement. Ah well, anywhere the rubes gather is a good place to seek out marks.

Porterville resident Trina Leon said her heart felt heavy when she saw the people.

"My heart just sank. People want to believe," Leon said. "I said 'People, this is not of God.' It was an illusion. I call it mass hysteria. People want to have hope but that hope needs to lie in God. Instead of turning to a palm tree or a window, they need to look for God..."

So close! Trina almost had it there. The reflection in the window is every bit as valid a reason to hope for anything as is believing in the mythology behind it in the first place. If they didn't already believe in gods and angels, the reflection and the light-play in the palm tree wouldn't have been interpreted in the way they are in the first place. These things exist in a smear of light on some smudged glass as they do in any given church.

The angel in the window turned out to be nothing more than reflections of light from the mini mart across the street. But people who have been gathering at the site are not convinced.

"People will see whatever they want to see. That's imagination," Adel Joudi, owner of Xpress Gas and Minit Mart, said. "The angel has been there since I opened the store two years ago. It was a light reflection. If I turn on the light, it is there. If the light is off, it is gone."

Nearly 400 people arrived Monday night to see the angel, he said.

"I had to call the police," Joudi said. "They couldn't control the crowd. I had to shut my store down for two hours while they got all the cars out of here..."

Joudi gets it! Look at that... some rationality amidst the gawking crowd of turkeys in a thunderstorm. While these people are standing around and gawking at nothing, Joudi is trying to run a business and they're not letting him. The poor guy has to deal with a crowd of credulous true-believers who won't even believe that the "angel" is nothing but their own ignorance manifesting itself when he makes it disappear by flicking a light switch to the "off" position.

"But people wouldn't believe it. They wouldn't leave. They hung around the area until 1 a.m. to see if the angel would return," Joudi said. "I just want them to go away. I want them to know that the angel will not return. I have a business. I just want people to respect my business..."

Sorry, Joudi, but a lot of people in Porterville believe they have the right to take money out of your pocket because God is sending them signs. Now, would you kindly turn the lights back on so that there will be something to do at night for the terminally gullible?

There are pictures, of course. First, here's the Angel of the Mini Mart:


And second, here's the Jesus of the Palm Tree Outside the Mini Mart:


Color me convinced! That second photo looks particularly like Jesus, doesn't it? That was contributed by Porterville resident Shonna Uram who shares with us the following "thought":

I am the one who submitted this photo, my daughter took this picture last night, and if you were truly there last night, like we were, then tell me why do you think over 300 people were standing there looking at this and taking pictures of it, if nothing was there? We know what we saw and all the others that were there saw and the photo is the proof... Laugh all you want to I will pray for you...

— Source

I mean, what more can you possibly demand as proof that angels and Jesus are visiting Porterville, California? Nearly 300 people think they are and, as Robert Sanchez has reminded us, they saw two different things. That should be enough proof for anyone. Three hundred turkeys staring open-beaked at the clouds while the rain comes down just couldn't be wrong.

Sphere: Related Content

Daily Jesus: The Brain-Freezing Jesus of Utah

You've got to wonder about this Daily Jesus from Utah. If you eat this flesh too fast, will you get a holy brain freeze? Either way, I’m sure this one is tastier than a cracker.

Jesus Spotted In Ice Cream?

Salt Lake City, Utah -- Divinity in a dish of ice cream?

That's what some say they saw at a chocolate shop in, Salt Lake City. Customers say they spotted the image of Jesus Christ in the swirls of Spumoni ice cream.

Others say it resembles William Shakespeare. The owners say, whatever people see in the Spumoni, some sort of image is there.

Steve Hatch, chocolate shop owner: "My take on it is that it's probably a lot of a coincidence, and yes, it kind of does look like Jesus. But, I guess you can also say it look like William Shakespeare, or as my wife thinks, maybe one of the Beatles."

The owner also says they plan to keep it as it is for the next few days, and then maybe hold a party, and finally dig in.

Note that the attitude toward this Daily Jesus is a bit different from what’s usually seen. The owner of the chocolate shop isn’t taking this as a direct communication from Jehovah. He allows that not everyone sees Jesus here; some people see John Lennon or William Shakespeare. In other words, it’s only spumoni and in the end will be eaten like any other ice cream. Perhaps this is related to another atypical aspect of the story. Brain-freezing Jesus didn’t appear to someone who was attempting to deal with a major trauma. In most other Daily Jesus stories illness, death, drug abuse or some other major crisis is typically involved.

Will protesters will show up when it comes time to scoop up brain-freezing Jesus’ face?

Sphere: Related Content

Drippy Painting in Mumbai Draws True Believers

Strictly speaking, the Daily Jesus refers to incidents of pareidolia. That is, a spontaneously occurring pattern is seen by one or more observers to be an image of some recognizable human form or face connected with Biblical lore. It's usually Jesus himself, but we get Mary every so often and occasionally Joseph, too.

Today's Daily Jesus is a little different but still great fun. It comes to us from St. Michael's, a Catholic church in Mumbai, India. A painting of Jesus there is exuding a red substance that Indian True-Believers think is a miraculous occurrence. Even a local priest's contention that it's nothing more than some of the painting's pigments dissolved in water isn't dissuading throngs of the faithful from thronging the place for the chance to touch the plastic wrap that's been put in place to protect the painting. True-Believers say that the blood is coming from the heart of Jesus, but the location of the red stain on the painting is not where a heart is located in a human body.

The Times of India has the story, but I'm enjoying some of the comments even more than.

Christ 'bleeds', but church says it's only moisture
by ASHLEY D'MELLO,TNN
MUMBAI: Thousands of Mumbaikars queued up outside the St Michael's Church in Mahim on Saturday to catch a glimpse of the framed picture of Jesus Christ with a red stain on his heart, being considered by devotees a miracle.

On Friday, reports of a portion of the picture around the heart of Jesus darkening had crowds flocking in till about 1am. The Catholic Church, however, said it is not regarding this as a miracle...

Fr Donat D'Souza of St Michael parish said the darkening of the stain was noticed soon after the last service in the Church on Friday at around 8.45 pm. "It could be caused by moisture," he said.

Several people, acting as ushers at the church, were convinced it was a miracle. Sandeep Piedade said "I think it is a miracle, what else can it be," he said. P Moses another usher exclaimed," Can it be anything except a miracle."

Well, yes, P. Moses. It could be old paint and humidity. Not only could it be, it almost certainly is.

From the photo, it's easy enough to see that the "bloodstain" isn't anywhere near the heart but is on the lower right abdomen, at or just above the waist. If an organ has been nicked at all, it'd have to be some part of the large or small intestine. "The bleeding intestine of Jesus" doesn't have the same sort of allure as a coronary puncture, though.

The comments to the story on the Times of India website range from the credulous to the skeptical to the downright comical, of course. Aside from the quite rational response of Father D'Souza, here's an example of each.

The skeptical:

This is a publicity stunt. Do any body believe in miracles of this sort? If it is in any other religion, it will be called superstition. Height of hypocrisy!

— Babuchandra, India

The credulous:

As mentioned in this article "Christ bleeds", its not from the heart, Jesus was pierced by a sword in the side while on the cross, its about that location that the bleeding is noticed (in the picture)

— DJ, New Zealand

The downright comical:

Jesus Christ is alive,you have to pray,belive to see the miracle of the Bleeding love of our Lord

— Cecil Lancelot, Nagpur

I hope that Babuchandra will consider moving to the USA. Yes, people still believe in this sort of thing, and having him here would swing the proportion of those who don't leap to conclusions of supernatural intervention by one more person willing to think. A few thousand people like him settling in Louisiana, Texas or Mississippi might well do some good.

DJ reveals himself a true believer when he (correctly) notices that the stain on the painting is nowhere near the heart, but doesn't then proceed to the next simple step in logic. The Biblical passage mentioning Christ getting stuck with Longinus' spear is John 19:34 (the other gospels don't mention it at all):

But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.

The passage gives no indication of which side was stabbed nor how high on the body the stabbing occurred. It could have been on the left or the right and it could have been from the armpit to the hip, even if we assume it happened at all (and 3 out of 4 allegedly authoritative sources give it a complete miss). DJ is seeing what he wants to see in the stain. He makes the leap to asserting that the stain is in the proper location, but there's no way of knowing that, not even from the Bible itself. That's True-Belief in action for you.

Still, Cecil Lancelot's comment is my personal favorite here. I don't want to behold the "bleeding love" of your lord. I don't care to see anybody's bleeding love, thank you. Some things are best kept private.

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus Gets Stoned in Texas

Today certainly seems to be Texas Day at Hyphoid Logic, but I just can't help myself. I started the day off writing about exorcisms in the state, so why not start the evening off with a Daily Jesus from the Lone Star State?

Dallas Residents See Jesus In Granite Slab
by Carol Cavazos

Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.

Verona Marble Company Inc. takes pictures of every slab of stone in their inventory and posts them on their website. Wednesday, the owners say a customer in West Texas spotted the image among dozens of pictures and called to tell them about it.

Those who look at the 6x10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book...

To me, that looks like the nozzle from a gas pump in his hand, not a sword or a book.

Hey, waitaminnit... do you think this is a sign that Jesus is at last acknowledging the deific superiority of Norman Fell? Has he finally taken the step that is new?

Yes, I think so. The Holy Ghost of Norman Fell is so great, so very very huge, that it wasn't enough that he drove our price for gasoline over $4.00 per gallon. Even Christ is now feeling Fell's Divine Pain at the Pump. It's so bad that he has to get stoned before he fills up!

Take that, Rocky Twyman!

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus in a Florida Womb... or Is It the Next Pharaoh?

Last year's spate of Jesus sightings has slowed significantly but that doesn't mean that he and his family aren't still turning up in some truly out of the way places. Florida continues to be one of His favorite vacation spots, and so today's Daily Jesus comes to us from the womb of a Hialeah woman.

Hialeah Couple Sees Face Of Jesus In Sonogram
NBC6.net

Is it a simple sonogram or a holy sighting? For one Miami mother, the birth of baby Sabastian was a gift from God.

After suffering a recent miscarriage, Amy Janer was nerve-racked about her third pregnancy until she saw a 3D ultrasound at 32 weeks.

Janer said the face of Jesus can be seen, with the beard leaning against the baby.

For the expecting couple, it was more than comforting, it was assurance from above that they would have a smooth pregnancy. Janer gave birth to a healthy baby boy on June 11.

Janer said she and her husband are devout Catholics, but not fanatical. They wanted to share their story in hopes of strengthening the faith of others, she said.

When I look at the part of the photo that's supposed to be the face of Jesus, I just don't see it. Instead, I see something that looks like an Egyptian pharaoh in profile. I've provided a side-by-side comparison here. Could it be that Sabastian Janer is destined to be the next god-king of Egypt? Time will tell. This also wouldn't be the first time a pharaoh has made his presence known. You might recall that King Ramses appeared in Pennsylvania last February.

The story itself bears all the hallmarks that these instances of very human face recognition, pareidolia, nearly always contain. A believer under some form of emotional strain first sees the alleged divine image and points it out to one or more other believers. Once the image is pointed out, those who see it tend to agree on the content of the image. The last common trait is that it winds up in a Daily Jesus article here on Hyphoid Logic.

In any case, congratulations to the Janers on being the privileged parents of the next divine king of Egypt. May he live a long and healthy life and build monuments and pyramids that will make we mere mortals tremble in awe.

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus Christ Gets Tasered

Deputies subdue naked man who was claiming to be Jesus and George Bush

...A motorist called deputies about 4 a.m. to alert them that the man was standing nude in the middle of Alabama 79 at Bradford Road. As the motorist approached the man, he stumbled toward the car and was struck by the car's mirror, sheriff's authorities said. The man then ran away.

The motorist summoned deputies. Armed with their X26 Tasers, they ordered Odell to the ground, but he refused. He was struck in the chest by the Taser but didn't go down. He was struck a second time and fell to the ground, but wouldn't roll over to his stomach. When he was struck a third time, the man yanked the Taser wires out of chest. After being shot a fourth time, Odell complied with deputies and was secured with handcuffs and leg irons.

Odell stated that he was Jesus Christ and George Bush and that he could break the handcuffs. Authorities said he appeared to be intoxicated.

Center Point Fire and Rescue came to the scene to remove the remaining Taser wires from his chest and back...

How did the cops know he wasn't really Jesus? And didn't Jesus receive four wounds the last time he got arrested? Hmmm.

Is there any good reason why Jesus shouldn't descend from the heavens into a naked guy in the middle of a highway in Alabama? He shows up in grilled cheese sandwiches, grease spots and tree trunks regularly, so why not?

These cops have filled in for Roman soldiers and zapped the Christ. They're just lucky it wasn't the Ghost of Norman Fell or their heads surely would have exploded.

Sphere: Related Content

Prenatal Crucifixion: A Daily Jesus from Ohio

Jesus has paid a visit to earth again, this time lodging himself firmly in the uterus of Monet Sledge of Lorain, Ohio.

Did Jesus Appear In An Ultrasound?

A Lorain, Ohio, woman got an ultrasound in preparation for her first baby, but instead of seeing the image of an infant, Monet Sledge saw something else.

"I was shocked like really," said Sledge.

She showed the picture to her sister Tequoia Smith, a married mother of four who has seen her share of ultrasounds.

"I was expecting to see little body parts," said Smith. "Like a face, arms and legs." But instead she too saw the image of Jesus on the cross. "As soon as I saw it I was like oh my gosh."

Some people are encouraging the mom to sell the image on eBay, but she has not decided wether or not the image is for sale just yet.

She embraced the picture as a positive message from above.

"People say maybe my baby is gonna be blessed and maybe it is a good sign," said Sledge. "I don't know, I've done wrong in my life, maybe he's forgiven me early."

Big sister Smith agreed.

She added that the family has had some challenging times lately with injury, employment and other stresses.

"Maybe it's a sign of a good pregnancy or maybe we've just been through so much it's a sign that everything is gonna be okay. After the initial shock it's like God is here even when you don't know it."

I read this story and I was all like omigawd, fer sure!

This is a very typical Daily Jesus in two ways. First, it's sighted by people who note that they've been through some sort of major trauma and general emotional stress in the time leading up to their vision. Second, a sale on eBay of the object bearing the divine imprint is being considered. In this case, I'd give good odds that it will happen. After all, as the Jesus-finders tell us, they need the money.

I can't help but feel a bit sorry for Sledge. Giving birth to those nails is going to be very, very painful.

Personally, I don't think this baby is going to be particularly blessed. She's being born into a family where everyone repeats the word "like" over and over again and, like, that, like, is a like pet-peeve that, like, drives me, like, totally nuts. Unfortunately, I suspect that the child will be born into a family that is having the same problems that it had before they received the Holy Ultrasound of Lorain. It is, after all, just a photo like any other. The significance attached to it is the product of a desperation to find something to cling to. That probably isn't the best basis for an interpersonal relationship, let alone a parental one.

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus As Peeping Tom

Since today started with Satan, it might as well end with Jesus. This Daily Jesus is an odd one, though. Jesus appeared at the bedroom window of a Beaverton, Oregon woman who says that she is not a True Believer. Put off not even a little by the Peeping Messiah, she's selling the image in her window for a cool $10,000.

There's no word yet whether she plans to press charges against the Son O'God for creeping around her house to watch her in her undies.

Water Vapor Image Of Jesus Listed On eBay

A bedroom window of a Beaverton woman is up for auction on eBay.com, KPTV in Beaverton reported.

Sharel Fox said water vapor appeared on her window four years ago and formed the image of Jesus Christ.

Now, she is selling her house, but before she does, she wants to remove the window in her bedroom.

Fox said she isn't a Christian, but the image appeared during a difficult time in her life. She said it helped her through, and now she hopes it will do the same for someone else.

"I would hope that somebody gets it who wants to put it out where other people can see it," Fox said. "The fact that this image has come into a non-Christian households says, 'You know what, it's OK that you're not Christian. I'm still there.'"

The $10,000 price, Fox said, will cover the cost to replace the window after it's removed. She said 4,000 people have viewed her online auction, but there still has not been a buyer...

I can't imagine why nobody would want to shell out ten grand for this Daily Jesus!

I wonder if anyone has ever added up all of the money that changed hands in the course of a year for things like this. There may be a whole underground economy in Daily Jesi. They seem to show up at least every two or three weeks and inevitably wind up on eBay.

Sphere: Related Content

Virgin Mary Burns Out Eyeballs: An Amaculate Conception

Just when you've thought you'd heard it all about religious fanaticism the true-believers go that one step further into absurdity. Witness this tale of "woah" from India, where fifty people so far have burned their eyes by staring into the sun in hopes of seeing a reputed image of the Virgin Mary.

50 people looking for solar image of Mary lose sight

At least 50 people in Kottayam district have reportedly lost their vision after gazing at the sun looking for an image of Virgin Mary.

Though alarmed health authorities have installed a signboard to counter the rumour that a solar image of Virgin Mary appeared to the believers, curious onlookers, including foreign travellers, have been thronging the venue of the ‘miracle’.

St Joseph’s ENT and Eye Hospital in Kanjirappally alone has recorded 48 cases of vision loss due to photochemical burns on the retina. “All our patients have similar history and symptoms. The damage is to the macula, the most sensitive part of retina. They have developed photochemical, not thermal, burns after continuously gazing at the sun,” Dr Annamma James Isaac, the hospital’s ophthalmologist, said...

Though people have been flocking to the “blessed land” - hastily christened Rosa Mystica Mountain - for long, the mad rush for the image in the sky began a week ago.

There are quite a few people still seeking the miracle, despite the experiences of their unfortunate predecessors and strict health warnings against gazing at the sun with the naked eye.

“The patients show varying degrees of severity. They are mostly girls in 12-26 age group. Our youngest patient is 12 and the oldest 60. Most of them were looking at the sun between 2 and 4 pm, when UV1 and UV2 rays are harshest,” Dr James Isaac said. He added that they could identify the problem as solar retinopathy because they were aware of the local sensation.

“Most patients may hopefully improve their vision. But there may be long-term effects on the retina,” he added.

What does it take for belief to overwhelm reason to the extent that one goes blind? I'm used to asking that question as a metaphor, but apparently the answer can be very literal.

Hyphal tip to Jeff of Wormtown Taxi for the lead on this story.

Sphere: Related Content

Setting the UK's Telegraph Straight on Jesus of the Tree Rings

The UK's Telegraph is running a story on Jesus of the Tree Rings today. Entitled "Jesus Christ found in an American tree trunk?" it provides no less than seven alternative identities for the sap stain image found in a hunk of tree trunk by Pennsylvanian furniture-maker Craig O'Connor.

Sad to say, none of the Telegraph's alternatives are correct. As readers of this blog already know, I conclusively demonstrated more than two weeks ago that the image is that of King Ramses, a character appearing in one episode of the Courage the Cowardly Dog cartoon show (see Jesus of the Tree Rings: Christ or King Ramses?, February 11)

Ramses is not going to be pleased with the Telegraph for this insolence. Expect to read about the paper being smited by cartoon locusts any day now.

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus is Like a Stretch of Bad Road

Time for a Daily Jesus!

This time around, Jesus has shown up as some bad pavement in Illinois, on East 29th Road north of Seneca. Not much else is given to go on in the article; someone named Kris Jackson saw it and snapped a photo. This is probably the youngest Daily Jesus; it hasn't gained much notoriety yet.

So, here's the photo:

It does look like a profile, particularly since we've been told that it's a profile. Is there anything that makes it the profile of a particular individual, though? Is there anything particularly Jesus-like about this cracked pavement?

The photograph appears in a very brief article in the Chicago Sun-Times. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, develops around these cracks by way of people declaring that they represent a message from God, perform miracles, etc. So far, this has been a low-key divine intervention, but it sounds like something in which the Light the Highway crazies might be interested.

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus of the Tree Rings: Christ or King Ramses?

An "image of Jesus" has popped up again, this time in Bensalem, Pennsylvania. It showed up on a slab of wood in the possession of a furniture maker:

Jesus Image Found In Tree Log

A Bensalem furniture maker says he's found a holy item and he's been taking care of it religiously. Craig O'Connor has a block of wood that he chopped from a pine tree. On it, is an image of a Jesus-like figure with its arms outstretched. The tree rings form a kind of halo around the figure's head.

"I was just covered in goose bumps," said O'Connor as he reminisced about his find...

...O'Connor is a Catholic and believes it's a sign from God. When asked what the message is, he replied that it's like Jesus saying, "Believe in me. I'm still here. Have faith in me." O'Connor says finding the image has helped his faith...

"I put it on eBay one time as a joke to see if I got any offers," said O'Connor. " I got two offers, one for $500..."

When I saw the image, the first thing that came to mind for me wasn't Jesus but a cartoon called Courage the Cowardly Dog. Here's a side-by-side comparison of the image in the hunk of wood and that cartoon:

You can watch the episode, The Curse of King Ramses, online. It's one of the better episodes of the show.

This Daily Jesus follows the pattern seen in so many others. It's always found by a believer and then shown around having already been identified by that person. The claim is made in almost every case that it's a "message from God" that improves or enlarges the pre-existing belief. As in so many other cases, it's then put up for auction on eBay. In this case, the finder claims that he did so as a joke. Maybe I'm a bit slow today, but why would this be funny? Ha ha ha... I got a couple of offers but the highest was only $500, so I reneged. Hilarious.

Bumpy woodworkers aside, here's what I think; O'Connor put the item up for sale on eBay and didn't get as much money as he wanted for it. In keeping with his faith, he backed out of the deal and will now make the thing into a piece of furniture that he'll sell for several times the price he'd get for the same piece of furniture without a purported image of Jesus on it. I wouldn't be surprised if he were to slice the log up into several thin sections and sell each of them in this manner, thus increasing his income substantially.

On the other hand, he'd better be careful. If this image really is one of King Ramses, the Man in Gauze, he'd better return the slab lest his house be eaten by locusts. It's all right there in the cartoon.

Sphere: Related Content

Mr. Potato Savior: Jesus Found in Florida Potato

Yep, that crazy messiah has done it again! This time, he showed up in a potato that was being made into potato salad by a couple of clerical types in Marion County, Florida. The amazing potato, we are told, nourished them physically and spiritually. At least they're not selling it on eBay.

Jesus in a Potato?

MARION COUNTY, Fla. (WOFL FOX 35, Orlando) -- Pastor Renee Brewster and her husband Bishop Winston Brewster are a very spiritual couple. But the site of their savior in a potato has reinvigorated their faith and their desire to help others.

“That’s Jesus on the Cross. Just looking at it I don't have to convince,” said Renee.

Renee says she had been looking for an excuse to get out of making potato salad. “I was hesitant about making the potato salad because Sister Frankie makes the potato salad at church and I said lord if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign...”

It was her 10-year-old granddaughter who made her give the potato a second look. “My granddaughter said Granny did you see that in the middle? I said what?”

And taking a closer look she saw the cross with Jesus in the middle. “It’s remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago.”

Pastor Brewster froze the heart of that potato bearing Jesus. The rest was used to make the potato salad served during their weekly rescue mission.

“How was that potato salad? “It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's,” said Bishop Brewster.

The potato did more than feed them physically. It nourished them spiritually and helped reinvigorate their mission...

A photo of the Holy Spud appears to the right. It looks to me like some dead tissue in a potato. What I want to know is, if the Pastor got a sign from DA LAWD not to make the potato salad, why'd she go ahead and do it anyhow? She's clearly going to fry in hell for all eternity. Potato Jesus is not pleased.

Who knows how many baby potato Jesi have been unwittingly turned into latkas?

It seems like these things show up in Florida more often than just about anywhere else, although Virginia and Texas seem to be stomping grounds for the Holy Family as well. In fact, another report of Christ in a potato has just come in from Houston as well. It's a veritable Jesus-Tuber Jamboree!

Sphere: Related Content

Pulmonary Jesus

Today's Daily Jesus comes to us from Homestead, Florida where medical personnel were shocked to find that the King of Kings has taken up residence in the thoracic cavity of a patient.

Man Claims To See Jesus In X-Ray
Doctor Cannot Explain Silhouette

HOMESTEAD, Fla. -- Holy images have been spotted in a grilled cheese sandwich and a pancake.

Now a South Florida man says he sees Jesus in an X-ray he had taken at a doctor's office.

"I feel a little nervous," Reynaldo Farinas said.

After experiencing chest pains, Farinas went to Homestead Hospital. While he was there, physicians ordered an X-ray of his chest.

"Last night I checked and (I saw) the face of Jesus Christ there," Farinas said.

Farinas, along with his physician and a medical technician, said the image on the X-ray resembles Jesus Christ.

The doctor said he could not explain the silhouette.

"I was surprised," Farinas said. "(It's) unbelievable."

300 cc of frankincense... stat!

I must admit, I can't see anything resembling a face in this one. All of the divine apparitions I've cataloged here have been a bit of a stretch, but this one just doesn't seem to be there no matter how I squint at it. Nonetheless, the typical elements of these stories are present here. The person seeing the image is a believer in a state of crisis (in this case, having chest pains). The believer points out the image he believes is present to others and some of them see it, too. The claim is then made that the image they're seeing can't be explained apart from supernatural intervention. Of course, Farinas could have some sort of tumor or there could have been a glitch in the processing of the film. Either one of these explanations is more likely a correct one than is the notion that the holy spirit has descended into Reynaldo Farinas' chest. Personally, I don't see anything inexplicable in the image at all. I see the shadows of bones and organs and what looks suspiciously like a double exposure. Perhaps Farinas had multiple x-rays taken and the technician simply forgot to change plates between two of them?

There's no word as to whether or not Farinas plans to sell his lungs on eBay yet. Still, if you're looking for the perfect Christmas gift for that relative who has everything, you might be able to talk him into it. Just imagine their surprise on Christmas morning when they open their gifts and find divinely-imprinted internal organs taken from a middle-aged Floridian man. I guarantee that this is one holiday chachka Uncle Moneybags will never forget!

Yes, Mr. Farinas, it is unbelievable.

EDIT (10:41 AM): LL pointed out the Jesus-face to me, which looks to be the result of double exposure. Also, it now looks to me more like Alan Ginsberg than it does like Jesus.

Sphere: Related Content

Sweet Buttery Jesus on a Flapjack!

Forgive me, reader, for I have sinned. It has been a very long time since my last Daily Jesus. I had hoped to make this a more regular feature of this blog, but I have no control over the comings and goings of the Holy Ghost.

Rejoice! Salvation has arrived! Jesus and Mary have come to us imprinted on a pancake from Port St. Lucie, Florida!

Holy Pancake Auctioned On eBay

Woman Says Jesus Appeared On Breakfast

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. -- A Port St. Lucie woman said she saw Jesus Christ in her breakfast.

Marilyn Smith told WPBF News 25 that she was making breakfast on Sunday morning when she got a spiritual surprise: a faint image resembling Jesus and Mary on her pancake.

"I saw what looked like, possibly, what people may imagine Jesus would look like, or Moses," Smith said.

Smith's daughter, Dana Okane, told WPBF that she recognized the figures as soon as she saw them.

"Being a very spiritual person, which I am, when I saw that, I said, 'Jesus and Mary!'," Okane told WPBF.

Smith said she was making a batch of pancakes when one of them caught her eye. She said she was just about to put chocolate chips on it when she noticed the strange image on the cake.

Okane told WPBF that she thinks the image is a message from God.

"I think the message is extremely clear that the world had better clean up its act," Okane said.

When asked why she thought God would want to put a message on a pancake, Okane told WPBF reporter Amanda Burden, "Because it will get a lot of recognition."

Okane is now selling the holy cake on Internet auction site eBay with a starting bid of $35.

Okane said she thinks the cake is a miracle, but Smith is a bit more doubtful.

"Do I think that any nut will come along and pay a fortune for it like they did with the cheesecake or cheese sandwich? No, I hope not, because it really will eventually get really smelly and deteriorate," Smith told WPBF.

Smith and Okane said they plan to preserve the pancake for the next few days, then they will ship it off to the highest bidder.

"We used to say, 'Holy cow,' like everybody else, and after this happened, our new expression is, 'Holy pancake!'," Smith told WPBF.

Interested buyers can check out the women's EBay auction by clicking here.

Here's a photo of the Sacred Flapjack of Florida:

Personally, I see things a little differently than Diane Okane. When I look at that pancake, it looks to me like the shorter figure on the right has a mustache and a bad 1970's disco suit. The figure on the left is a taller, long-haired woman. When I squint just right, I see...

Sonny and Cher!
This is clearly a message from the late Sonny Bono. We've all been acting like a bunch of gypsies, tramps and thieves. He's heard it from the people of the town... and he's pissed.

Sphere: Related Content