Rocky Twyman Blasphemes and Will Be Smited by Norman Fell

If you're a poor slob like me who still drives a car despite the high price of gasoline (high for Americans, anyhow), you've certainly noticed by now that the price has come down just a little bit in the last couple of weeks. As you may also recall, Rocky Twyman, a Jesus-freak and Oprah Winfrey self-help guru, launched a series of pray-ins at gas stations when the price began to sky rocket back in April. His "Pray at the Pump" campaign was intended to invoke divine assistance in making gas cheaper so that Americans could once again exercise their apparently god-given right to drive Hummers. At that time, I started praying, too, but I prayed to the One True God — the Ghost of Norman Fell. Moreover, I prayed that the price of gas would go up during the period from April 27 until the beginning of June. It was a test I devised to see whether the Ghost of Norman Fell was, in fact, more powerful than Twyman's "Jesus," whom some readers may have heard of before. For those that haven't, Jesus, also known as "Christ" and "Son o'God" and "Jehovah Junior" is a particularly popular ghost amongst certain Western religious sects, said to be the disincarnate spirit of a Middle Eastern prophet and part-time carpenter executed by Roman authorities around 30 CE. You can find out more about him and some of the more popular myths propounded by cults based on his alleged exploits on Wikipedia.

So here we are in mid-August and Rocky Twyman and friends are now claiming credit for a decrease in the price of gasoline:

Petrol pump pilgrims keep faith
By Greg Wood and Sandra Shmueli

Rocky Twyman, 59, a veteran community campaigner, started Pray At The Pump meetings at petrol stations in April.

Since then, the average price of what the US calls gasoline has fallen from more than $4 a gallon to $3.80...

"We were down in Huntsville, Alabama. We finished praying," Mr Twyman said. "Immediately the owners came out and changed the gas prices. They brought it down. We had marvellous success down in St Louis, Missouri."

This week the group returned to the site of their first prayer meeting to celebrate. Singing "We shall overcome," they changed the words of the well-known hymn to "We'll have lower gas prices".

Mr Twyman is sceptical that market forces might be responsible for the lower prices...

Oh, really?

First off, the article is wrong. The US national average price for a gallon of gas when Twyman started his "Pray at the Pump" drivel wasn't $4 but about $3.30; it didn't hit $4 per gallon until Memorial Day weekend, which is at the end of May, or more than a month after Twyman started trying to get Jesus involved and I brought down the power of Norman Fell upon America's gas stations. The price of gas went up, not down, demonstrating that Norman Fell is, indeed, far more powerful than this Jesus fellow.

Moreover, the price of gas continued to climb until peaking in July, or a month after I stopped beseeching Mr. Roper's Holy Spirit to stop increasing it. In all that time, Jesus was unable to reverse the mighty, mighty force of Spectral Fell. In fact, even with the recent decline from the peak price, the average price is still about $3.80 per gallon. That's 15% higher than it was when Twyman started blubbering to his false idol.

Still, I could be making all of this up, couldn't I? Well, here's a graph charting the national average cost for a gallon of unleaded regular gasoline for the period beginning in February 2006 and ending in August 2008. It is based on information compiled by the US Department of Energy's Energy Information Administration. I took the original graph and added a red "x" to the point at which Twyman started his pray-ins and a green "x" at that which I stopped praying to Norman Fell. As you can see, Twyman's praying was clearly ineffective, and the price of gas decreased only after Norman Fell's divine power to raise prices was no longer invoked:


In case there were any doubters left out there, this is graphic proof of the superiority of Norman Fell to Jesus Christ of Nazareth. For Twyman to continue to claim otherwise is nothing short of blasphemy, a crime against the Holy Roper for which he will surely be punished in the most severe manner.

Death to the Infidel! The power of Fell compels you! Abandon ye your wicked ways of worshiping the wheezing, wonky Jesus and take the step that is new. Get down on your knees for Norman!

Sphere: Related Content

Jesus Gets Stoned in Texas

Today certainly seems to be Texas Day at Hyphoid Logic, but I just can't help myself. I started the day off writing about exorcisms in the state, so why not start the evening off with a Daily Jesus from the Lone Star State?

Dallas Residents See Jesus In Granite Slab
by Carol Cavazos

Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.

Verona Marble Company Inc. takes pictures of every slab of stone in their inventory and posts them on their website. Wednesday, the owners say a customer in West Texas spotted the image among dozens of pictures and called to tell them about it.

Those who look at the 6x10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book...

To me, that looks like the nozzle from a gas pump in his hand, not a sword or a book.

Hey, waitaminnit... do you think this is a sign that Jesus is at last acknowledging the deific superiority of Norman Fell? Has he finally taken the step that is new?

Yes, I think so. The Holy Ghost of Norman Fell is so great, so very very huge, that it wasn't enough that he drove our price for gasoline over $4.00 per gallon. Even Christ is now feeling Fell's Divine Pain at the Pump. It's so bad that he has to get stoned before he fills up!

Take that, Rocky Twyman!

Sphere: Related Content

Norman Fell Is Your God Now. Deal With It.

Back when I started my experiment as a response to Rocky Twyman and Prayer at the Pump's effort to secure divine intervention to lower gas prices, I had no idea of the power into which I was tapping. Yesterday, I watched the price of gas go up 4¢ in one day at one station. When I passed the Hess station at Main and Park in Worcester on Wednesday evening, regular was at $3.73/gallon. By yesterday morning it was $3.75 and by late yesterday afternoon it was $3.77. That Hess is usually among the cheapest places in town; other stations are already at the $3.90 mark.

The price increase is having all sorts of effects. For instance, people are now planning on taking shorter trips, or not taking trips at all, for Memorial Day weekend. According to AAA, 22% of Americans have reduced their travel plans in some way. People are at least talking about buying smaller cars and advertisements for those cars are touting improved fuel economy — something that had disappeared from advertising for a long time (can anyone remember a car ad featuring gas mileage back in 2000 and 2001?)

Non-believers might as well face it. The Ghost of Norman Fell has changed all of our lives, and all it took was just one person praying to Him. Imagine what would happen if everybody prayed to him. What if we prayed to Norman Fell for moral guidance and for healing the sick? What if we became so filled with the Holy Roper Spirit that we spoke in tongues, rolling about on the floor while reciting random snippets of dialog from old "Three's Company" scripts? What if, what if, what if?

It's time to acknowledge that Norman Fell is among us even though men see it not. The whole world is changing; He is transforming everything right before our eyes. What blasphemer now dares to deny his mighty might that's truly mighty?

We must teach our children the truth — Norman Fell designed life. Granted, He never claimed to be much good at it, which would explain all of we humans' back problems and appendicitis and child birthing problems. There can be no doubt that the whole universe, with all its physical constants and precise chemical composition, was optimized to foster the existence of Norman Fell's Ghost. It is only by His grace that the rest of us continue to exist. If we anger Him, we risk him drawing back his omnipotent spectral hand and bitch-slapping us all into eternal syndication in Hell. Do you want to spend eternity watching Suzanne Somers ThighMaster infomercials? That's where you're going if you don't let Norman Fell into your heart right now. If you wind up there, you can say 'hello' to Rocky Twyman for me, because that's where he's going.

And if you think that Fell's Ghost won't destroy the world then you had better think again. That namby-pamby old Jehovah may have promised not to bring on another worldwide flood, and that's probably because he can't. Norman Fell never promised not to drown your sorry heathen butt in boiling maple syrup if that's what He feels like doing. Don't test Him. In fact, I happen to know that if you, the person reading this note, don't change your ways immediately and start praising Him, something really bad is going to happen. I'm not at liberty to disclose exactly when and what it will be, but it will be something bad that will happen at some time somewhere in the world to a bunch of people like you who don't worship the Holy Roper. It's a warning to you; He's making an example of them for your benefit so that you can get right before it's too late. It won't happen to me, though, because I pray to Him every single day. I'm protected. I've got Norman Fell on my side, baby.

The price of gas is only the start. America was founded as a Normanian nation. Oh, sure, the founding fathers never mentioned Him by name, but that's only because they never saw a day coming when they'd have to. After all, they figured that if they knew about Him a couple of centuries before He'd even come among men, certainly people who would live in the time after He had come would know what they were dealing with. Don't believe it? Go ahead, prove that all wrong. You can't, can you? That's because it's the Truth. Nobody will ever be able to prove that the Creator of whom the founding fathers spoke wasn't Norman Fell — because it was. End of story. If America doesn't get back on the right track and resume its rightful place as the Shining City on a Hill outside LA, bad things will happen.

On the other hand, remember what happens for all of us who believe on Him! If you join us, you'll see that life is a ball again! Laughter is calling for you! So come and dance on our floor. Take the step that is new. We've a lovable space that needs your face, so DON'T PISS OFF THE GHOST OF NORMAN FELL!!!!

Are you healed yet, brothers and sisters? Can you feel the power?

Sphere: Related Content

Ghost of Norman Fell Performs a Miracle

For those keeping track, the score is:

Jehovah: 0
Ghost of Norman Fell: 3.732

According to AAA, the price of gas has hit its sixth consecutive record high. For something to happen once or twice might be coincidence, but for it to happen six times in a row is clearly the result of supernatural intervention. Inversely, for something not to happen six times in a row is clearly attributable to the failure of some other thing. Surely this is a miraculous sign!

Gas strikes 6th straight record high

Retail gas prices hit record highs for the sixth straight day, auto group AAA's Web site showed Tuesday.

The latest reading from AAA showed that the nationwide average for a gallon of regular unleaded hit $3.732, up from $3.718 the previous day.

Gas prices have now increased for seven straight days. The climb comes ahead of the Memorial Day holiday and start of the summer driving season.

The AAA national average shows gas prices up nearly 11% over the past month and up 21% from year-ago levels...

Rocky Twyman's pathetic Prayer at the Pump movement has withered in the face of my Fill Up with Fell effort.

In a related comment, LiveJournal user jjjiii pleads for mercy:

I'm begging you to stop this infernal prayer to the Fell god before you destroy us all!

Sorry, jjjiii, but the prayers will continue until May 27, as per the original plan. I would consider ending them only if Rocky Twyman makes a public statement that he has come to realize the error of his ways and will henceforth leave off his blasphemy and come and knock on the door of the One True Roper.

Rocky, we've been waiting for you.

Sphere: Related Content

Gas Prices Rise: The Ghost of Norman Fell Keeps Winning

Having said my daily prayer to Norman Fell, I thought I'd take just a minute to mention that Mr. Roper's Ghost is still kicking the butt of Jehovah. In fact, the price of gas has jumped by 6¢ per gallon at some local gas stations. A barrel of crude is going for over $125 this morning and it seems unlikely that we're going to see prices come down anytime soon.

My solitary prayer to Norman Fell's ghost does appear to be having far more effect on this situation than all of the pray-ins lead by Rocky Twyman. Moreover, I'm sure there are more than one prayerful person out there invoking Christian-style divine intercession and I'm almost certainly the only person praying to Norman Fell, let alone praying for the price of gas to increase. I'll continue my supplications until May 27, as originally planned, but it seems clear to me at this point that prayer to Mr. Roper is at least as useful as prayer to Jehovah and/or Jesus in this situation.

Despite not getting a single comment yet in response to my challenge to believers to prove that Jesus has forgiven Ohio child molester Russell Back, Jr., I'll still invite comments from those same people on this issue. In particular, I'd like to hear from people who believe that prayer has an affect on empirical reality in things like healing the sick or changing a person's financial fortunes. Even better would be responses from those who, like Rocky Twyman, have been offering up supplications to reduce the price of gasoline. What do you think it means that the price still goes up?

Sphere: Related Content

On This National Day of Prayer

As you may know if you live in the United States, and might be surprised to find out if you live elsewhere, today is our National Day of Prayer. Today, we Americans stop for a moment, bow our heads, and offer up a prayer to the divine that our fondest wishes might be granted without our having to do anything else. We Americans are a favored race, you see, and even if what we want might do some damage to all you people in those inferior countries that the divine has created in order that we might be better served, we get our way because the divine likes us best. We're very grateful people, we Americans, because we're the Shining City on the Hill. Not you, us. So we pray to give thanks for being the Chosen People, too.

In light of that, I thought I'd put a little prayer in my blog today.

Oh Holy Ghost of Norman Fell
Who maketh the price of gas to increase,
please increase the price of gas some more.
In Roper's mansion there are many apartments
and if we cannot afford to drive we shall dwell in them forever.
Yay! Though I must walk to the tavern of the Regal Beagle,
I shall fear no Furley.
Thy plunger and thy keyring shall comfort me
All the days of my life.
By the Tripper, the Snow and the Wood,
Ah, Larry.

Sphere: Related Content

So Far, The Ghost of Norman Fell is Winning

After two days of being static, the price of gas went up again today. As of this morning, every gas station I've seen here has raised their price by approximately 2¢ per gallon. The ghost of Norman Fell is ahead in my experiment. Despite the pray-ins led by Rocky Twyman on both coasts involving multiple participants, my solitary (as far as I know) prayers to the Disembodied Spirit of Mr. Roper appear to be having a greater empirical effect. So far, the evidence (if we start from the assumption that praying to anything at all ever changes anything outside the mind of the supplicant) supports my Fell-is-stronger-than-Jehovah hypothesis. I will continue for the balance of the month, of course, and give Jehovah a chance to catch up. Perhaps he was busy with the day of sackcloth and ashes in Birmingham, AL or the Florida Prayer Network's demands for the passage of the "academic freedom" bill. An omnipotent being can only juggle so many demands at once, I'm sure.

Praise be to the Roper!

Sphere: Related Content

Is God More Powerful Than the Ghost of Normal Fell? Let's Find Out.

There's a preacher named Rocky Twyman who is presently traveling around the country praying, which in itself isn't particularly unusual. It's where he's praying and what he's praying for that are maybe just a little bit silly:

Pray-in at S.F. gas station asks God to lower prices

Rocky Twyman has a radical solution for surging gasoline prices: prayer.

Twyman - a community organizer, church choir director and public relations consultant from the Washington, D.C., suburbs - staged a pray-in at a San Francisco Chevron station on Friday, asking God for cheaper gas. He did the same thing in the nation's Capitol on Wednesday, with volunteers from a soup kitchen joining in. Today he will lead members of an Oakland church in prayer...

"God is the only one we can turn to at this point," said Twyman, 59...

...he says anyone who wants to follow his example should keep it simple.

"God, deliver us from these high gas prices," Twyman said. "That's all they have to say."

...he says his prayer for gas-price relief from God is sincere.

"I've seen him work miracles in my life," Twyman said. "He told us that all we need to do is ask and believe. He can do it, and he will do it, but we have to ask him to do it."

Ummmm, yeah.

I'm a relatively empirically-minded individual, so I think an experiment is in order. While Twyman is praying to the Invisible Man in the Sky to lower gas prices, I'm going to make supplications to the ghost of Normal Fell to raise them. Fell, who was most famous for playing Mr. Roper on the 1970's hit TV series Three's Company, died in 1998. As far as I'm aware, no miracles have been attributed to him and nobody attaches any particular spiritual significance or beliefs to the deceased actor. He appears to wield no particular supernatural powers in the afterlife.

I hypothesize, however, that he's at least every bit as powerful as the deity to whom Rocky Twyman is praying for lower gas prices. By praying to him daily for gas prices to go up, I will test whether or not he is actually more competent at effecting change in the physical world through supernatural intercession. If the price of gas continues to increase overall during the next 30 days, we can conclude that the ghost of Norman Fell is, in fact, more powerful than Twyman's Jehovah of the Gas Pump.

Considering that the price of gas has been increasing by 2¢ per day here in Worcester, Norman Fell may already be at work!

Sphere: Related Content