August 28, 2007

Torture Advocate Back on Job Market

Alberto Gonzales has resigned. I'm not going to bother linking to an article in the press because forty-seven billion other blogs have already done so and you can go look it up if this is the first you're hearing about this, in which case you really need to get around the web a bit more.

Gonzales will likely be remembered most for his involvement in the US Attorney firings and the subsequent dishonesty and scandal and all, but that's not how I choose to remember him. For me, he will always occupy a special place in my memories as a man who spoke out strongly for what he believed in from his first day on the job, the fine American tradition of torture. Not content with pursuing "conservative values" merely to the time of our Founding Fathers, Gonzales looked to an even earlier Golden Age when information extracted by inflicting agony upon prisoners was considered a legitimate route to extracting information. Gonzales stood himself in good stead with people like the witch-finders of 17th century New England and the authors of the Malleus Maleficarum. In an age of moral uncertainty, Gonzales took the bold step of advancing the cause of redefining torture and creating programs that helped avoid legal issues by simply outsourcing the dirty work to other nations. In this way, he not only stood up for tradition but also revealed himself as a visionary advocate for a whole new angle on globalization.

Let us pause for a moment to reflect on Mr. Gonzales' contributions to our culture and our national reputation. Perhaps he can now get a new job as a lobbyist for Uzbekistan.

Fare thee well, Alberto.

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