September 08, 2007

Headsploding Woo

Alex Chiu, King of WooThat fellow you see to the right is Alex Chiu, and he is truly one of the Kings of Woo. A resident of San Francisco, Chiu sells products that will allow you to live forever, become "even more gorgeous than supermodels," and cure any handicap you have. With Chiu's patented SuperUltraMegaWoo™, you, too, will be a god.

Well no, you won't... you'll grow Chiu's bank account, I'm sure, but that's about it.

Chiu takes great personal risk to bring you technology "more advanced than Star Trek" because he's in imminent danger from the FDA, according to one of his websites. Aside from their calling him on one of the largest collections of fraudulent claims one is ever likely to encounter, I'm not sure what the danger is. The FDA rarely employs hitmen these days. Just rest assured that they don't want you to know that you can live forever with one of Chiu's immortality devices which, by the way, are also what the New Testament was talking about when it described the Rapture. According to Woo's website:

What do you think rapture is? Answer: Ones who believe shall not perish and will have everlasting life. Immortality Device is believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever. US PATENT # 5,989,178. The most imporatnt invention in human history. Alex Chiu knows what causes you to age and hereby discovered a great solution to stop you from aging.
So you see, Chiu is not only a genius who can compare himself to Edison, Einstein and Tesla with a straight face, but he's also the fulfillment of biblical prophecy... and a great speller, to boot!

So what are these wondrous immortality devices? Why, they're Eternal Life Rings™ and Eternal Life Foot Braces™. You know they work because Alex Chiu tells you that they work, and anyone who doesn't believe what Alex Chiu tells them is a FOOL. Obey!
Please believe me. Everything you read is true and is important. Now people do not have to age anymore.

Protects your body from germs and diseases as it keeps you immortal!!

According to Alex Chiu, based on testimonies, facts, and proofs, people are believed to be able to stay physically young forever by using his new inventions "The Eternal Life Rings" and "The Eternal Life Foot Braces". The Eternal Life Rings are to be worn on both small fingers of a user during sleep. The Eternal Life Foot Braces are to be worn on all toes of both feet during sleep. Both devices consist of rare earth or ceramic magnets and plastic braces which hold magnets onto the fingers of the user. The inventor explained that the fingers and toes are the negative (-) and positive (+) terminals of your body.
That should be good enough for anyone. I mean, if according to Alex Chiu, people are believed to be able to live forever by wearing "rare earth or ceramic magnets," what reason could anyone possibly have for lingering doubt? Silly skeptics, your toes are too negative!
When placing the magnetic devices, the magnetic pole on the right side of the human body is opposite to the left side. With a opposite pole on each side of the human body, blood circulation and electric current of the body are enhanced. The enhanced blood circulation and electric current increase metabolism in order to fight the aging process.
This would work great if magnetic fields had any effect upon the human body. Why, if we were magnetic, the Rings of Immortality would simply draw all of your blood toward them and you'd quickly keel over dead from the lack of oxygen to your vital organs and never age another day! Alas, it is not to be, as we aren't affected by magnetic fields to any great extent at all, even fields many, many times stronger than those we come into contact with every day. You can fill your pockets with tremendously powerful magnets like these and, aside from possibly damaging magnetic media and shorting out your pacemaker, your circulation won't be affected one little bit. I know this because I've tried it myself. I doubt Chiu's magnetic rings are anywhere near that powerful, so they're probably no more effective at increasing metabolism or improving circulation.
The Eternal Life Rings and The Eternal Life Foot Braces invented by Alex Chiu are believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever or turn humans physically younger, (Our lawyer told us to use the word "believe") as long as you wear the rings or foot braces every night during sleep.
Grammar? Why would one's lawyer tell one to use the word "believe" while one is asleep with weakly magnetic bits of plastic strapped to one's feet? It doesn't make sense, dammit! These crazy lawyers, I tell you!

But Chiu isn't a selfish man... no no no! You can find instructions on how to build your own immortality devices right on his website. Be careful, though, because
If you put the rings on with the wrong polarity, you could get sick within hours!
You'll know you have the polarity right if you feel the urge to end every sentence you write with an exclamation point or two!!!

Chiu has far more to offer the world than mere immortality, though. He can also perfect your physical appearance with his trademark-pending GorgeousPil which
turns a user prettier every time the pill was taken. The user will gradually look PERFECT, even more gorgeous than super models. You will one day reach PHYSICAL PERFECTION!!

The healing enabled by Gorgeouspil is so strong that it can change the shape of your bone WITHIN A FEW DAYS. This is really the fastest healing ever made possible. Nothing in the world can make your body heal this fast. (Normally it takes the rings or foot braces a few months or even a few years to change the shape of your bone.) I mean if it can change the shape of your bone within a few days, it is strong enough to do anything.

16 years of research and experiments all come down to Gorgeouspil. 16 years of Alex Chiu's life work has been drained into this one pill. I don't want people to use the rings or the foot braces without Gorgeouspil anymore since this stuff is so incredible. It would be unwise to use the rings without Gorgeouspil.

Gorgeouspil is the only savior of Earth

Stopping humans from multiphying is the only feasible way of saving mother nature.

And Gorgeouspil can stop humans from multiplying! So spreading the usage of Gorgeouspil can save the environment. Here's why:

These follish fish could have been more attractive than Jessica Alba and lived forever if they had only listened to Alex Chiu! 1. Without Gorgeouspil, people's bodies would age. Blockages of Chi energy would torment a person's soul. The soul can no longer tolerate flowing inside a deteriorating body. New bodies need to be reproduced.
2. The deteriorating body is forced to produce offspring so that his soul can share a line of new and fresh bodies. This is what I call 'abandon ship' theory.
3. But with Gorgeouspil, the body will constantly be repaired. Blockages of Chi energy will slowly be opened up. If there is no more blockages of Chi energy, the soul will no longer be tormented. Therefore the body no longer needs to reproduce itself. No more 'abandon ship'.

So people who take Gorgeouspil don't want kids. A person who takes Gorgeouspil likes to concentrate his soul within his own body and does not wish to scatter his soul on to other bodies. So making babies is not desirable for people who take Gorgeouspil. Gorgeouspil allows a person to achieve unlimited beauty and unlimited youth. Meanwhile, it stops humans from unnecessary reproductions of more human beings.

Help bring this new technology to light. For the sake of mother nature, for the sake of millions of innocent animals, for the sake of your own future. Don't blindly let the unnecessary reproductions of more human beings ruin our home. Spread the word about Gorgeouspil.
A pill that will heal me, make me more beautiful than a supermodel, and save the world? Wow, sign me up! I'll take three dozen and some immortality rings, too. I mean, wow! Headsplody!

Try to imagine a pill that would "reshape your bone." What would that really do? How would the pill know the correct way to do this so that one ended up looking beautiful instead of like Joseph Merrick? Short answer: it can't. There's no drug one can take that knows how to reshape bone structure, and it's not possible to make a pill that would do so. I'd like to think that there's no reason to explain this to anyone, but I'm sure there are people who buy Chiu's pills thinking otherwise. Chiu even goes so far as to explain how these pills works, and remember:
UNBELIEVABLE??? But this invention was invented by the famous Alex Chiu himself. And if you can't trust Alex Chiu technology, you can't trust nobody's technology.

How it works:

We humans constantly look for beautiful partners for mating. The more beautiful a person is, the more superior that person's genes is. A superior person is more smart, more fun, more romantic, more flexible, and more productive. Just by looking at people's faces and you can tell who is romantic and who is dumb. If the blood circulation to the brain is poor, that person's facial expression will be ugly. If the brain functions very well, that person's face should be pretty.

This pill, if used correctly, will stimulate all cells in your body forcing them to rebound and regroup themselves. The pill pulls your entire body together, increases Chi energy and circulation to all organs, and gets rid of Chi blockades around the body.
See? It's so simple. Poor blood circulation to the brain causes an ugly facial expression! I think it may also cause people to buy GorgeousPills. We must unblock your chi lest you not be selected as a mate so that you can not produce offspring because GorgeousPills make people not want to have children, thus saving the earth. The world is being destroyed by your poor circulation, you selfish, ugly, reproducing bastards! But Chiu isn't done yet! No, he gives us more, more, more! I bet you've never realized that
The human body is very much like a sex balloon doll. The air is its Chi energy. Without enough air, the doll will look ugly because its body or its face will not be in the perfect shape. Just like humans.
Get it? If you don't take Alex Chiu's bone-reshaping, immortalizing pills, then you are nothing but an under-inflated sex doll.

OK, OK, I've gone on long enough, and comparing the human body to an inflatable sex toy probably has already told us more about Woo-Meister Chiu than we wanted to know. In case you had any remaining doubts about all of this, though, remember that Chiu's wares have been included in Kevin Trudeau's best-selling book, Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About. Trudeau uses the immortality rings himself. How can you still harbor any doubts?

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