February 29, 2008

Don Wildmon Wants Me to Make His Dream Come True on Saturday Night

By now, everybody is aware that there's a good chance that one's favorite right-wing militant fundamentalist Christian nutjob is gay. It happens a lot, and as I've said before, I don't care about the being gay part, just about the reaction-formation hypocrisy part. If you're gay, be gay and don't hate yourself and all the other gay people for it. This goes for Ted Hagee as much as Benny Hinn (I mean, c'mon, if Benny Hinn isn't gay then Elton John is a breeder!)

Still, I wasn't really prepared for the steamy proposal of man-on-man action I received yesterday from the American Family Association's Don Wildmon. It's so blatant that I had to reproduce it as a screen capture lest nobody believe that I received this email signed by Wildmon and addressed... well... the salutation is the only part I'll reproduce. I don't think the rest of the content would be suitable for any children that might wander by here. Won't somebody think of the children?

It's not every day I get an email from the head of one of the country's largest theocratic social engineering organizations addressing me as "Manmeat" and telling me that I can make his dreams come true on Saturday night. The screenshot has been cropped and resized to fit in this format, but it's otherwise reproduced exactly from the email I received, which I note is signed in a most familiar way. The email is apparently from just "Don." Not only that, but the guy wants me to forward the email to my friends and family. Clearly, not only is Wildmon coming out of the closet at last, but he wants the whole world to know about it.

Now, I can understand Don's lust for me. I am, after all, a hunkahunka hot mycologist. In fact, for the majority of people who read this blog I am almost certainly the sexiest mycologist they know. If you ever caught a glimpse of me out in the forest under the hot sun, the sweat glistening on my hairless pate as I scraped a resupinate off a decaying tree stump, you'd want me, too. I can't help having been cursed from birth with this great fungal magnetism. I can even appreciate that Don wants me to make his dream come true on the eve of my birthday. It's kind of sweet.

Still, there are a few problems here. First, I'm just not into guys in that way. Second, I'm very happy with the partner I have in my life and she wouldn't be happy if I were to make an exception regarding the first problem for my little Donsy-Wonsy. Third, I think Don should really be more concerned with what would happen to his reputation if he and I and a bottle of massage oil were to be found naked together in a motel room on a Saturday night. I mean, look what happened to Ted Haggard! Don't these guys ever learn?

So while I appreciate the leader of the AFA offering me the opportunity to make his dream come true on Saturday night, I'm going to just have to pass, even though, as Wildmon concludes in his steamy little email,
I am thrilled because we are using TV and the Internet to spread the truth that the mainstream media so often ignores. Yes, this is a first step--a small first step. But it is a beginning. We can take this beginning and let it grow to become a mighty tool for the Lord.
How you make it grow to become a mighty tool is your business, Don, and I have no problem with it. That you want to make the media stop ignoring it and put it on TV and the Internet is a little weird, but whatever you're into. Still, all things considered, I must pass on the opportunity to "make your dream come true" on Saturday night. This is one "Action Alert" that's never going to happen.

Besides, you're making LL jealous.

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