Norman Fell Is Your God Now. Deal With It.
Back when I started my experiment as a response to Rocky Twyman and Prayer at the Pump's effort to secure divine intervention to lower gas prices, I had no idea of the power into which I was tapping. Yesterday, I watched the price of gas go up 4¢ in one day at one station. When I passed the Hess station at Main and Park in Worcester on Wednesday evening, regular was at $3.73/gallon. By yesterday morning it was $3.75 and by late yesterday afternoon it was $3.77. That Hess is usually among the cheapest places in town; other stations are already at the $3.90 mark.
The price increase is having all sorts of effects. For instance, people are now planning on taking shorter trips, or not taking trips at all, for Memorial Day weekend. According to AAA, 22% of Americans have reduced their travel plans in some way. People are at least talking about buying smaller cars and advertisements for those cars are touting improved fuel economy — something that had disappeared from advertising for a long time (can anyone remember a car ad featuring gas mileage back in 2000 and 2001?)
Non-believers might as well face it. The Ghost of Norman Fell has changed all of our lives, and all it took was just one person praying to Him. Imagine what would happen if everybody prayed to him. What if we prayed to Norman Fell for moral guidance and for healing the sick? What if we became so filled with the Holy Roper Spirit that we spoke in tongues, rolling about on the floor while reciting random snippets of dialog from old "Three's Company" scripts? What if, what if, what if?
It's time to acknowledge that Norman Fell is among us even though men see it not. The whole world is changing; He is transforming everything right before our eyes. What blasphemer now dares to deny his mighty might that's truly mighty?
We must teach our children the truth — Norman Fell designed life. Granted, He never claimed to be much good at it, which would explain all of we humans' back problems and appendicitis and child birthing problems. There can be no doubt that the whole universe, with all its physical constants and precise chemical composition, was optimized to foster the existence of Norman Fell's Ghost. It is only by His grace that the rest of us continue to exist. If we anger Him, we risk him drawing back his omnipotent spectral hand and bitch-slapping us all into eternal syndication in Hell. Do you want to spend eternity watching Suzanne Somers ThighMaster infomercials? That's where you're going if you don't let Norman Fell into your heart right now. If you wind up there, you can say 'hello' to Rocky Twyman for me, because that's where he's going.
And if you think that Fell's Ghost won't destroy the world then you had better think again. That namby-pamby old Jehovah may have promised not to bring on another worldwide flood, and that's probably because he can't. Norman Fell never promised not to drown your sorry heathen butt in boiling maple syrup if that's what He feels like doing. Don't test Him. In fact, I happen to know that if you, the person reading this note, don't change your ways immediately and start praising Him, something really bad is going to happen. I'm not at liberty to disclose exactly when and what it will be, but it will be something bad that will happen at some time somewhere in the world to a bunch of people like you who don't worship the Holy Roper. It's a warning to you; He's making an example of them for your benefit so that you can get right before it's too late. It won't happen to me, though, because I pray to Him every single day. I'm protected. I've got Norman Fell on my side, baby.
The price of gas is only the start. America was founded as a Normanian nation. Oh, sure, the founding fathers never mentioned Him by name, but that's only because they never saw a day coming when they'd have to. After all, they figured that if they knew about Him a couple of centuries before He'd even come among men, certainly people who would live in the time after He had come would know what they were dealing with. Don't believe it? Go ahead, prove that all wrong. You can't, can you? That's because it's the Truth. Nobody will ever be able to prove that the Creator of whom the founding fathers spoke wasn't Norman Fell — because it was. End of story. If America doesn't get back on the right track and resume its rightful place as the Shining City on a Hill outside LA, bad things will happen.
On the other hand, remember what happens for all of us who believe on Him! If you join us, you'll see that life is a ball again! Laughter is calling for you! So come and dance on our floor. Take the step that is new. We've a lovable space that needs your face, so DON'T PISS OFF THE GHOST OF NORMAN FELL!!!!
Are you healed yet, brothers and sisters? Can you feel the power?
