June 22, 2008

Prominent British Witch-Doctor Warns of Pandemic Possessions

We'll have EVIL coffee, we'll talk...
Watch out, folks! Your yoga instructor is an agent of Satan. The gateway to Hell opens through the pages of your local newspaper. You may think you're having a nice back rub, but in reality that masseuse is injecting tiny demons under your skin. Won't somebody think of the children?

Yoga and horoscopes can lead to possession by Devil, claims Cardinal's exorcist
By Jonathan Petre

...Father Jeremy Davies, exorcist for Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, the leader of Catholics in England and Wales, says that activities such as yoga, massage therapy,
reiki or even reading horoscopes could put people at risk from evil spirits.

In a new book, he also argues that people with promiscuous lifestyles could find themselves afflicted by demons.

And he says that the occult is closely linked to the scourges of 'drugs, demonic music and pornography' which are 'destroying millions of young people in our time'.

The 73-year-old Catholic priest, who was appointed exorcist of the Archdiocese of Westminster in 1986, was a medical doctor before being ordained in 1974.

He has carried out thousands of exorcisms in London and in 1993 he set up the International Association of Exorcists with Fr Gabriel Amorth, the Pope's top exorcist.

In Exorcism: Understanding Exorcism In Scripture And Practice, which is published by the Catholic Truth Society, Fr Davies compares militant atheists to rational Satanists, and blames them for a rise in demonic activity...
I have to admit that I write this blog because I'm on Beelzebub's payroll. Every electron streaming onto your monitor as you read this article has a very small imp riding upon it at the speed of light. They jump from the screen to your eyes and ride your optic nerves straight into your brain and wham! that's another 50¢ commission check from Tarterus in my bank account.

As long as we're on the subject, I feel that I, as a master of the Black Arts, should reveal to you a few ways that Father Davies probably doesn't know of by which you can be possessed. You've already traded in your soul by reading this blog and it's only fair that you get some value out of it.
  • If you listen to Judas Priest's 1979 album Hell Bent for Leather (Buy it at Amazon), you instantly become Beelzebub's plaything.
  • If you walk backwards under a ladder while swinging a black cat around your head on a Thursday, you will become possessed by Phalgrenazoth, the demon who makes people point and laugh at his victims.
  • Ever noticed that pistachio ice cream doesn't taste much like pistachios? That's because there aren't any in the stuff. It's green because of the slime oozing from the skin of the demons it contains. You know those softish chunks in pistachio ice cream? Those are the demons. One lick of that unnaturally green ice cream cone and Lucifer has reeled you in by the short-and-curlies.
  • Tivo is the tool of the devil. It's OK to record on it, but if you don't want to get possessed then you must never, ever watch anything you've recorded. That little clicky-beepy sound it makes, when recorded and slowed down to 1/8th speed, is revealed to be a snippet of the Lord's Prayer in Latin being recited backwards. Of course, anyone who has ever tried doing this has listened to something recorded on Tivo and so has become possessed and will never tell you. I'm an insider and I know. That's why I don't own a Tivo. I'm only in the soul racket for the money.
There you go, dear victims readers; four ways to get possessed that nobody else is ever going to reveal to you. Of course now that you've read this, you're already possessed, so really, who gives a flying Mongolian cluster-hump anymore, right?

Time to go play some Priest for grandma, boils and ghouls. Rock on!

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