June 10, 2008

The Rapture Came Today: If You're Reading This, You've Been Left Behind

Breaking news from California!

The Rapture happened today, but it turned out that only one guy was good enough to get taken up to Heaven. The rest of us are stuck here on earth with Satan and one crazy priest who's running around looking for him while howling in Latin and sprinkling holy water all over everything.

Only Esmyn Garmendia-Barrios made it past the Pearly Gates. Turns out that the whole key to getting Raptured Away was to be reading a bible in a national park at just the right time. All that other stuff about works and faith and not masturbating on Fridays was just misinterpretation resulting from an improper reading of the Secret Bible Code.

Sorry, all you apocalypse-awaiters. You're stuck here with the rest of us.

Alternatively, Garmendia-Barrios may simply have stepped off a cliff or been eaten by a mountain lion. Still, don't you just know that if he's never found, some loon out there will attach religious significance to his disappearance while ostensibly reading a Bible?

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