December 29, 2007

Vatican, Pope Benedict Reveal New Exorcize Program

Good morning, everybody, and welcome to the Middle Ages!

Pope and former Hitler Youth Benedict XVI has revealed a bold new campaign to combat the dominion of Satan on earth by organizing local exorcism squads. These shock troops for DA LAWD will swoop in whenever they're needed in your neighborhood to cast out demons and fight the fight against general godlessness which, as we all know, could only come from god's arch-enemy, the Prince O' Darkness.

No, really. It's all true.

Pope's exorcist squads will wage war on Satan

The Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to tackle the rise of Satanism.

Vatican chiefs are concerned at what they see as an increased interest in the occult.

They have introduced courses for priests to combat what they call the most extreme form of "Godlessness."

Each bishop is to be told to have in his diocese a number of priests trained to fight demonic possession.

The initiative was revealed by 82-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican "exorcistinchief," to the online Catholic news service Petrus...

"Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a properly trained exorcist.

"Thankfully, Benedict XVI believes in the existence and danger of evil - going back to the time he was in charge of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith." The CDF is the oldest Vatican department and was headed by Benedict from 1982, when he was Cardinal Ratzinger, until he became Pope in 2005...
NOTE: The CDF was formerly known as the Holy Office of the Inquisition. Doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy to know that the Inquisition is coming to your town? Yay, Inquisition!
Father Paolo Scarafoni, who lectures on the Vatican's exorcism course, said interest in Satanism and the occult has grown as people lost faith with the church.

He added: "People suffer and think that turning to the Devil can help solve their problems. We are being bombarded by requests for exorcisms."

The Vatican is particularly concerned that young people are being exposed to the influence of Satanic sects through rock music and the Internet...
Of course, the Pope is neither a stupid man (he is, after all, infallible on matters of religious doctrine) nor an inflexible traditionalist. Realizing that the church's struggle is not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of the pneuma, meaning both "spirit" and "air," Benedict XVI has incorporated a new element into the Rite of Exorcism, last updated in 1999. This powerful new element is aerobic dance. My secret sources at the See have managed to smuggle out a video showing the new rite as it will be conducted by the Anti-Satan Blitzkrieg Brigades:

Congratulations to the Pope on his ongoing success in leading his flock boldly into the 12th Century!

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