March 25, 2008

Hail Satan: There Can Be No Doubt That He Exists

Could it be... SATAN?Despite attending a meeting of skeptics last night, this morning I find that I can no longer deny the reality of Satan. I have seen him with my own eyes and even read his stats. Strange that he's playing right wing from the New York Islanders hockey team, but I suppose even the Father of Lies needs a day job. As one would expect, he's a leftie.

This should really settle a few theological questions, no? In any case, I have always said that if I ever saw evidence for the existence of Satan, I'd have to consider the possibility that he exists. Well, here he is. This is the guy who tempted Adam and Eve with that fruit which, as it turns out, was actually a hockey puck. No wonder Jehovah told them not to eat the thing; eating hockey pucks is a bad thing to do. One is likely to lose a few teeth in the process.

The Salem Witch Trials make a lot more sense to me now. Those weren't broomsticks those old women were flying around upon; they were hockey sticks! It wasn't a coven so much as a minor league team for the Whalers.

Benny Hinn sez GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!It's all so clear now. Next time some preacher screams his fool head off about being at war with Satan, I'll understand that what he really wants is for me to go pick a fight with the 6'3" Slovakian right wing for the Islanders. Of course, that's one more reason to think that such preachers are towering morons, because no doubt Satan would proceed to beat the living crap out of me if I did it. Let's face it, if you're ever in position to place a bet on a bout between a hockey player and a mycologist, put your money on the hockey player. We fungal biologists are lovers, not fighters. Still, I can understand why these pitchmen for Adonai don't go confront Satan themselves. I'm fairly certain that Satan could take out John Hagee or Benny Hinn with one punch. Maybe both of them at the same time.

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