June 13, 2008

Live from the Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

In light of the demise of all world governments, a new post-apocalyptic planetary emperor has seized control:

Tycho is Watching.
You have been warned.

That was some spectacular apocalypse we had yesterday! I've seen a lot of ends of the world come and go, but none of them has ever been quite like that. All that nuclear hellfire and the fourty-seven dancing Jesuses (Jesi?) fan-dancing on Mount Olympus — who would have expected that? I thought the purple-and-green-checkered giant frankfurters the size of oil tankers chasing the four-headed dragons in tutus through downtown Cleveland was a nice touch, too. Yep, that was one crazy Doomday, alright. It's going to be hard to top that one.

Today being the day after the world ended, I see that the weather is calling for a 40% chance of flesh-craving zombie hordes followed by brief periods of unexplained darkness. Gamma radiation levels are predicted to be "unhealthy," so children, the elderly and people with depleted lead levels in their blood should remain in their concrete bunkers until the all-clear. If you must go outside, a combination of SPF30 sunscreen and rubber cement should prevent spontaneous combustion.

In light of the end of time, banks and government offices will be closed today and there will be no mail delivery. All pottery making and watercolor painting classes at the senior center have been postponed until further notice. If you're looking for something to do with the family, civil defense authorities are planning workshops on post-holocaust survival at your local public library. Titles include "Introduction to Being a Rabid Mutant: Cooking For and With Your Neighbors" and "Oozing Skin Lesions: The New Black." Check your local news for times and locations.

Remember, the end of the world is no reason for an unexcused absence from work! Make sure to call in to the office and tell your boss that you won't be in today, or ever again, because we're all dead now. Not much point to worrying about things like productivity anymore.

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