July 15, 2008

Things Jesus Didn't Do: The Clerical Stupid, It Burns

George Pell, the Archbishop of Sydney, delivered a monumentally stupid line at a press conference regarding the Vatican's World Youth Day:

Jesus didn't run around handing out condoms, we preach what Jesus taught.


Maybe I shouldn't be too surprised at the profound intellectual vacuity of such a statement. World Youth Day is itself six days long, after all. People who can't count to six shouldn't be expected to have enough of a grasp on logic to realize that making a statement like Pell's is the equivalent of saying that Thomas Jefferson never owned a television so the devices ought not be purchased by Americans. Jesus couldn't have run around handing out condoms, assuming he was a real historical individual at all, because he didn't have any to hand out a couple of thousand years ago.

Still, it's fun to speculate on some other things that True Believers shouldn't do because there are no stories of Jesus having done them.

Jesus didn't fly around on airplanes.
Jesus didn't visit Australia during his lifetime.
Jesus didn't eat cheeseburgers.
Jesus didn't wear rubber-soled shoes.
Jesus didn't use a laser pointer while delivering his sermons.
Jesus didn't own a computer.
Jesus didn't wear eyeglasses (you're going to hell for that one, Cardinal Pell.)
Jesus didn't go to shopping malls.
Jesus didn't talk on his cell phone while driving.
Jesus didn't run into burning buildings to rescue those trapped inside.
Jesus didn't invest his money in mutual funds.
Jesus didn't hang up on telemarketers.
Jesus didn't vote Republican.
Jesus didn't zip up his fly.
Jesus didn't go to the dentist.
Jesus didn't pay for MP3s.
Jesus didn't study calculus.
Jesus didn't file for unemployment.
Jesus didn't drive around in a vehicle that burned fossil fuel.
Jesus didn't attend PTA meetings.
Jesus didn't take people's temperature with a thermometer when they were sick.
Jesus didn't barbecue on a gas-fueled grill.
Jesus didn't use monofilament fishing line.
Jesus didn't buy cheap plastic toys at Wal-Mart.
Jesus didn't write things down.
Jesus didn't use a power drill.
Jesus didn't do the Macarena.
Jesus didn't eat tofu.
Jesus didn't eat Jello.
Jesus didn't brush with flouride toothpaste.
Jesus didn't do medical research.
Jesus didn't go to a seminary.
Jesus didn't call himself Catholic, or even Christian.
Jesus didn't use nail clippers.
Jesus didn't use toilet paper.
Jesus didn't wear socks.

The list could go on forever, much like clergy tends to do. In the end, we'd all have to deal with hordes of devout, stinky, long-toenailed, toothless, mathematically-illiterate believers, but at least the highways would be safer and George Bush wouldn't be president.

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